1998 – Infinity.

I think I haven’t really told anyone how much I love Westlife.

As much as my memory allows, it dates me back to the time when I was 8 and I heard Westlife’s My Love for the first time in 2000 through the casette player(YES I KNOW I’M VERY OLD). It would be quite apt to say that I grew up listening to Westlife’s music and it would be even cliche to say that without Westlife I wouldn’t be who I am today-but you know what? The things that are cliche, are more often than not true.They burst with so much truth that sometimes,it’s really hard to admit but at the end of the day,in the deep silence of the night where all mankind is drugged with sleep and you seem to be the only person wide awake under the covers albeit bleary eyed,a familiar melody from the distant past comes to mind “an empty street,an empty house,a hole inside my heart…”

Westlife was the first boyband-band that I learnt all the songs by heart.I remember spending countless hours listening to their songs on repeat and I’m sure I had worn out that cassette (I’m still keeping it even though I no longer have a cassette player-for old time’s sake, as a memorandum of the good halcyon days) I remember screeching at the top of my lungs in the middle of the night and I remember listening to their songs the days leading to final year exams and etc. I remember telling myself that they were the only band that I would ever love even though there are other bands that I really love now,but the love for Westlife remains in a separate entity of it’s own and that fervent passion is Unbreakable. I can’t really use words adequately to express the surge of energy and irreversible impact that the band has in my life because that means fleshing out the nitty bitty of my childhood and you can’t really examine the pieces separately,but rather they’re good as a whole. Westlife to me is like a fish in the water-sorry for the seemingly crude analogy-it’s like a fish would never notice that it needs water to survive,like how my parts of my life had been so stemmed in the existence of Westlife and their songs I think it’s an understatement to say that I was mildly bothered by the news of their disbandment in October this year. In fact,I was tearing up ,devastated and was an emotional wreck. Yes I had deviated from Westlife in the recent years;but isn’t this about growing up? We are constantly fickle and changing everyday-yet deep down I can never abandon the band.I cannot denounce who I had been at that point in time.Humans are such obnoxious creatures honestly. It’s like the world flits from one frenzy to another faster than you can say “alohomora” and then when something is sent to it’s demise or whatever,the whole world flits back and starts mourning for the loss. I don’t know how to get about this but the wackiest thing about mankind has got to be the absence of the awareness of “living” and “leaving”. It’s a pun on the word-to think that life and death are entwined by the pronounciation of words and this goes for the life and death of bands. The world doesn’t value Westlife enough until October 2011 and the music industry is thrown into a whirlpool of lamentation for such an influential band and the world will never make such goodmusic again-I think I’m berating myself instead of the world.

I wish I had made a conscious effort to make Westlife an indisputable part of my life.There was a time when they graced the walls of my bedroom and now,they’ve made their return.I need to make a conscientious effort to keep them in my life.1998-2012? This timeline does not exist in my own calendar. I refuse to admit that they’ve ceased to exist,but rather I’ll like to read it this way-the boys have now graduated and they should experiment with different things in life.That’s what they said and I will always remember that. Moving on does not mean forgetting-it just means milking the best out of all that Life had given you before and chalking new routes and getting your footsteps padded across all the other endeavors.

After all, life is coined by the three “mores”-SEE MORE,LEARN MORE,FEEL MORE-by MY 2011.

I’ll like to remember the innocent me that had loved Westlife 11 years ago. The music industry is overtly saturated with wannabes plastered with way too much makeup and packaged with sex appeal and so on to retain the love of the everchanging audience. Fans seem to swarm towards idols with handsome looks and polished stances and it’s the exterior that really counts.I admit that I’m part of that crowd too sometimes, but the point I’m trying to get across right now is the fact that I was “chaste” in the past. Honestly when I learned to love Westlife I DID NOT EVEN KNOW HOW THEY LOOKED LIKE,and I never bothered to find out.I didn’t bother to find out their characters, their birthdays,their schools, their history etc.Basically all I had loved of them was purely along musical lines. I love the fact that I could feel their songs and how they seemed to touch me so much with every enunciation of the lyrics. The Me today would have never condone this kind of behaviour-I staunchly believe in knowing the 101 of your idols before giving your whole heart to them. Westlife was the exception and they still are today. I don’t even flinch at the idea that 4/5 of them are fathers now etc -I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I JUST WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY. Them being happy and doing what they want is more than enough for me honestly. Westlife was and will always be THE Exception.

Shane Filan. Nicky Byrne. Kian Egan. Mark Feehily. Brian McFadden.

They might be known as members of a former band,Westlife in future and new bands will seek to render them to the sketches of  memory, but their legacy will never be dethroned in my heart.How am I supposed to leave you boys now when you all had left such a prominent impact on my 8 year old self? I will always hold them dear to my heart and never let go.

it’s time to move on now

so don’t be afraid

we should remember the roles that we played

whether the future has dark or bright days

I will still love you yeah… to the last mile of the way.

To Westlife, I will always be with all of you to the very last mile of the way.

Until the world stops turning and the sun stops burning.

4 DEC 2011- A DATE WITH DBSK.

TVXQ FANPARTY SINGAPORE 4 DEC 2011

We arrived at the stadium quite early~

The pretty pearl ruby red ocean that I was a part of~

The wristbands we wore~

HANDSOME LEADER IS HANDSOME.

The CUTEST MAKNAE EVER.

SERIOUSLY YUNGUNS AND YUNCHEST *-*

Boys with the host and translator~

I LOVE HOMIN SO DAMN MUCH ;AAA;

Dynn and I~

View from our seats~

The pearl red balloon =D

I really love the lightstick <3333

Okay,so I’m just gonna type this fanaccount first~ Waiting for my friend’s pictures before I post the others alongside those professional pictures from last night. 4 DEC 2011-HONESTLY ONE OF THE BEST NIGHTS I EVER HAD.IT WAS EQUIVALENT TO 29 JAN 2011.

I finally fulfilled my dream of seeing DBSK,even though it’s currently Homin now,but like all Cassies,I’ll always keep the faith.Somehow,things always fall apart so that better things can come together.Okay So.Where should I start.Let me start off in the noon where Dynn and I went to get the merchandise first.

So I met Dynn at the stadium MRT and we went to get the merchandise.We were told that the merchandise would only be sold at 4pm,but we arrived at 3pm and woah,there were already people buying!!! I intended to only buy the posters but the LIGHTSTICKS WERE SO DAMN PRETTY I JUST COULDN’T RESIST.It had the words “TVXQ FANPARTY SINGAPORE 2011″ imprinted on it and for memory’s sake I just had to buy it.Both of us were so happy when we could finally get our hands on the merch and Dynn bought this towel which was beautiful,but I had money constraints(for FEB 2012 of course) haha and she said she’ll tag me in that pic so yipee.We left the Stadium for dinner-> FAST FORWARD TO 6PM

There was a long queue to go into the stadium and my,the weather was so humid and yet it was raining.Honestly the Singaporean weather is totally berserk. Anyway,the thing is as we were queuing to get in,we were standing outside the stadium level 2 itself and OMG WE COULD HEAR HOMIN PRACTICING FOR THE FANPARTY.THE FIRST SONG WAS HOW CAN I and I was squealing inside,like OMG HOMIN AND I ARE JUST SEPARATED BY A WALL. and there was this blind covering the walls and Dynn noticed that the lightings could be seen from the peekaboo space and OMG FLASHES OF LIGHT I WAS THRILLED. It was hilarious when they started rehearsing for WHY because the moment we heard the beats of WHY,EVERYONE STARTED SHRIEKING.It commanded such a huge response I DON’T EVEN KNOW.The rehearsal just whetted my appetite for the show.When we FINALLY went in,I was a bundles of nerves.I was kinda pissed actually because while waiting for the show,they were playing SNSD music.I mean,I love SNSD and I have nothing against the 9 beautiful and lovely girls,but HELLO THIS IS A TVXQ FANPARTY SHOULDNT YOU BE DAMN PLAYING TVXQ MUSIC!!??!?!? =( I feel like the organizers or whoever that chose that music wasn’t respecting the guests of the party and it wasn’t only me who was not happy.You could practically hear the grumble when Mr Taxi was aired.

FINALLY,WHEN THE LIGHTS SHUT DOWN,THERE WAS THIS BEAUTIFUL SEA OF RED.It was small,but the sea of red was gorgeous.You know what’s good about fandoms?It’s that they make you feel like you’re part of one.All along,I’ve always thought as myself as being a hardcore and staunch ELF,but I just couldn’t suppress my love for DB5K.I just couldn’t and it was that impulse which drove me to attending Homin’s fanparty in Singapore.I went with Dynn who was a Cassie for  years and boy,I was just…but when I stepped into the stadium and held the pearl ruby red lightstick,I knew I could belong here.I really felt like I was a Cassie since forever.I mean,what binds Cassies together is their eternal love for the 5 boys,which is what binds ELFs together too.The love for all of our boys will always surpass our individual statuses. The lights went down and they started flashing the 16 min long video of Before you Go to excite the audience and OMG I COULDN’T EVEN STOP SCREAMING.FIRST 15 MIN AND I FELT LIKE HALF MY VOICE WAS GONE.

FINALLY.THE LIGHTS DIMMERED AND YUNHO ENTERED THE SCENE WITH THE DANCERS. GUESS WHAT SONG?!?! YES IT’S MAXIMUM. OMG I swear of all the fancams which I took, Maximum has got to be the best because the security guards were not really in action-as in they weren’t lawfully “clamping” down on “offenders” BUT THEY WERE REALLY ANNOYING.I understand it’s their job,but HELLO WE PAID SO MUCH why do you even have to be so stringent sobs.At least I managed to take albeit short,but audio-video clips of How Can I and Before you Go and a short excerpt of their interviews which was really,better than nothin=D Gonna depend on the awesome people at the moshpit for HD quality videos *winks* Okay,so Jung Yunho is honestly ONE OF THE BEST DANCERS AROUND.HE IS FREAKING AWESOME AND SEXY AND CHARISMATIC AND DANCES WITH SO MUCH PASSION HE LITERALLY TOOK THE WHOLE STAGE BY STORM. Changmin was so handsome sobs.He really had big eyes and nice curls and a toned body and Homin was strikingly tall they are like twin towers.Sobs both are so wellbuilt and their outfit for the night was white and sleeveless and DID SO MUCH JUSTICE to their toned arms.I mean,from where I was sitting,I could make out their features perfectly(even though the camera couldn’t) and their arms.OMG THE RIPPLING VEINS DJSHGDJGHDKJAHDK. In pictures Changmin look lankier than Yunho and not as buff,but in real life,they are both on par.Changmin really has built up so well.Sobs I sound like a mother and Changmin’s my son haha. Changmin tries so hard not to be cute but he is genuinely squishy and  adorable and Yunho is emblematic of CHARISMA IN HUMAN FORM. After Maximum Homin sat down with us with the host and the translator for the night and I really couldn’t take my eyes off them.They were so enigmatic and eyecatching and so…they had so much stage presence. Yunho was seriously a ball of sunshine.He couldn’t stop smiling and throughout the whole show,I kept thinking “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO “UNLOVE” YOU NOW.I CAN’T I LOVE YOU SO MUCH JUNG YUNHO!!”  Unlike pictures and videos,where Yunho often look more stoic and more masculine,in comparison he looks so “soft” in real life,like so much friendlier and amiable and so good looking.He kept smiling and was so cheerful and omg it’s hard not to catch his enthusiasm. Changmin on the other hand was more reserved and he wasn’t smiling 24/7(haha) but he’s a beauty.He’s so modelesuqe and Changmin kept looking in the direction of me and Dynn,to which we frantically waved our lightsticks and Idk whether he saw it,but HE NODDED.SO CUTE RIGHTTTTT. Changmin was also really really really smart.They had a series of questions where the boys were asked about Singapore and Yunho was trying to be so adorable and so cute my poor heart….when Yunho was asked on the four main languages of Singapore, he started “English,Chinese,Malay,Korean..and Indian” I WAS LIKE SERIOUSLY LEADER.hahah and Changmin took the hints of fans so wisely he got every singe question correct-that brat hahah for example,the one on the national flower which was the Orchid and fan started saying”O O O” hahahhaha. Yunho was asked on what Changmin meant to him and the boys were taken aback by the question-can’t blame em it’s an awfully private question but Yunho thanked Changmin for always being there for him through the tough times and helped him to shoulder the heavyload of responsibilities that come by when you are a leader and I’m just. BOYS I REALLY ADMIRE YOUR FRIENDSHIP. STAY STRONG OKAY.

The boys were asked to speak in Singlish too.Yunho was like “the chilli crabs here are so Shiok” and Changmin was like “Alamak why do we have so many Singaporean fans here? but NO PROBLEM LAH.”  HONESTLY SHIM CHANGMIN IS A GENIUS.He latches on things so fast and that is so befitting of his high IQ.Intelligence is really the way to my heart haha. When Homin first appeared and sat down,they looked abit stiff but that is understandable for it’s their first time in Singapore and they aren’t really sure what to do.There were some glitches in communication where there was no translator and Yunho was puzzled.He looked at Changmin while speaking in Korean and Changmin stared back at him and muttered in korean.Their “helplessness” was so cute but Cassies,being Cassies just shrieked and laughed at every single word spoken from the boys’ mouth haha and as usual,they said that they were pleasantly startled by the warm passion exuded from Singapore and Yunho was so apologetic when he said “I’m sorry Singaporean fans have to wait for 7 years which is really long,but we will come here more often in the future” THAT IS THE GOLDEN LINE. Yunho is honestly one of the best leaders around. Changmin was really really really cute.When he was asked about his FAVORITE FOOD IN SINGAPORE (well we saw that coming hehehehehe), he said “HAIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. CHILLI CRABS” and smiled cheekily. OMG I didn’t exploit the use of the “Zs” okay he really sighed for such a long time haha and I was like typical maknae hehe Homin really loved the chilli and pepper crabs here which is a must try staple food for foreigners in Singapore =D.

The quote of the night belonged to Changmin ” OKAY,YES LET’S GO!!!” honestly.

Yunho’s “NI MEN KAI XIN MA? WO YE HEN KAI XIN?” Bravo leader<3333

They performed a total of 7 songs-Maximum, How Can I, Before you Go, The way you are,Mirotic, Rising Sun and Why. I loved all the songs and How Can I showcased the duo’s vocals perfectly.I love Changmin’s drawling,satin like voice.If Kyuhyun’s voice was velvet-like, then Changmin has to be satin like.Why can’t I fall asleep every night to the crooning of Minnie’s voice sobs. BEFORE YOU GO was my favorite song of the night and I WAS SO EXCITED FOR THAT SONG TO BE PERFORMED. OMG THAT SONG WAS THE SEXIEST.I MEAN,HONESTLY, AS THOUGH THE DANCE VERSION OF THE SONG WASN’T HOT ENOUGH, BUT SEEING THE BOYS PERFORM THAT IN REAL LIFE WAS TRULY THE BOMB. IT OOZES WITH SO MUCH SEX APPEAL ARTISTICALLY AND SIGH. The fanchants were really the blast and wayyyyyyyyyyy awesome.We didnt even coordinate yet everyone was in unison singing along, and chanting along.My favorite was in WHY where everyone chorused “waeeee” and.

“NOW I’M JUST CHILLIN FEEL LIKE I’M HEALIN”-Changmin,Why. THE WHOLE STADIUM ROARED TOGETHER WITH CHANGMIN. It was like, I was totally not expecting it but the lines just slipped off my lips as though I’ve known the lyrics my entire life.I told Dynn “you will end up screaming trust me” and she really did.GLAD SHE ENJOYED HERSELF we kept looking at each other and laughing and seriously best night in December so far. The same thought struck our heads when we were watching the fanmade videos. The first video was really touching but the second one…was drawn by the girl and it was focused on Changmin and when she drew the picture of Changmin crying for GDA 2008,I teared up.Before that the tears were culminating in my eyes but it just couldn’t flow out-I turned and looked at Dynn and there she was crying.I turned back to the video and the moment that Mirotic image of Changmin crying appeared,omg the tears flowed out and I hastily wiped them away haha. Sigh and Changmin was constantly NODDING HIS HEAD throughout the whole duration of the video I really wondered why. It was so cute hahah and both Dynn and I wanted to run up to the stage and backhug HOMIN so badly.THEY ARE SO STATUESQUE AND LOOKED SO PERFECT,EVEN FROM THE BACK.SOBS. Yunho started off by signing the poster for the winner of the fanvideo and Changmin followed suit afterwards and scrawled a Heart with stripes  on the poster,to the shrilling of Cassies haha and he said he almost cried and commented bashfully “thank you for drawing me so beautifully” PERFECT AWWWW MOMENT RIGHT THERE.

All together in summation one thought remained in my head- OMG I BREATHED THE SAME AIR AS HOMIN.

Nah to be honest, DBSK are kings.They are really kings.The amount of stage presence they have cannot be compared at all. They are so seasoned yet they try their best and put in so much effort everyday.I love them so much.Oh and Changmin-in music videos one’s attention is always drawed to Yunho for he is truly a maestro at dancing, but in real life yesterday I have to say that Changmin really PUTS IN THE SAME AMOUNT OF EFFORT as Yunho in dancing.He really tries so hard,that boy and I really respect him for that.It was weird though when Changmin was smiling during Rising Sun haha and at the beginning during Yunho’s part where Minnie had to scream “NOOO”,it was hilarious when the audience screamed with him “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” too haha.

4 DEC 2011-the night I saw DBSK Homin live and I have finally fulfilled my twin dreams of seeing both Super Junior and DBSK live. Iwon’t ever forget how they looked like to me. Their image is now forever stored in the reserves of my memories. 2011 had been so kind to me and my parents have been so supportive of this starchasing dream,which I really thank them for that. I will always continue to be a CassiELF and love DBSJ with all I have in me.They will always continue to have an ephemeral presence in my life and be a force that keeps me so strong.I love them,more than words can say.Anything is possible as long as you KEEP THE FAITH AND PROMISE TO BELIEVE.

11:11:11

11 November 2011- It will only occur once in a millenium, just like old memories stir up in the autumn wind like rustling leaves on the ground.Then as quickly as it started, it all ends in silence and there lies the quiet earth once more.

This post is dedicated to the movie I watched on 11:11:11, titled aptly You’re the Apple of my eye. It’s one of those movies that has a catharsis behind it and forces you to think and evaluate your life.Yes,that’s what a genuinely brilliant movie can do to you and You’re the Apple of my Eye is probably the best Chinese movie of the decade. It has so much truth in the movie it’s amazing how the director can condense such issues within a time span of 2 hours. The movie is acted by B listers and newbies,with the Lead Actor Ko Chentung having his debut performance.The success of the movie apparently rocketed both Ko and Michelle Chen(the actress) to stardom and I guess,there’s no more turning back.I really loved the movie so much I can’t stop thinking about the movie.There’s nothing like visual art coming to life,how one single movie can unify so many different people because even though we’ve never met one another, we all have a similar experience.If there’s one thing humanity can never live without,it’s the idea of love-or of lost love or forgotten love.Love is and will always be a debatable issue since the epoch of time and in modern times,don’t expect this to change.

There’s been so many high budget movies,so many aiming towards the blockbuster category that one forgets the true essence of a movie.It’s not about box office tickets,it’s not about mainstream popularity.Directors often forget about that and You’re the Apple of my eye is a breather,a wisp of fresh air.It’s Giddens Ko’s first movie and I hope it will be his last.This perfection he has achieved probably happens only once.Reiterate more series of perfection and all these would have lost it’s meaning,lost it’s significance.His lifestory is imprinted in the movie and it was said to be his dream when the movie was released.He’s a brilliant writer,awesome at provoking those feelings which you thought had been long forgotten and through his skillful storytelling, he reminds us that it’s time to take those feelings off the shelves,wipe the dust off the spines and reminisce.There’s nothing like this movie.It brims with so much innocence,it bleeds and expouses the true essence of what it’s like to be young,wild,angsty,in love and free.You have the sky under your feet and there’s nothing like it.There’s nothing like the rash of youth.You only have it once and just like the saying.The minutes of the clock will always return to the same place every 24 hours,but it will no longer be yesterday(notice the rough translation as it is supposed to be a chinese saying)

One of the reasons why I loved this movie so much is because it is set in the rims of the old school.It reconnects my old self back to me and it brings back alot of memories as cliche as it sounds.I suddenly miss being in uniform,I suddenly miss the “unity” of students in uniform and of those days of feverish studying, neverending laughter,roller coaster wednesdays and just being.there.Just being.young.Tell me,do you remember what it felt like to be in uniform?Of course when we were back in school, we never see those days in rose tinted glasses as we were blinded by insane priorities, too much things are holding us back.So this movie invokes all that had long gone and forces the audience to rethink about their life,about the youth they once had.Storytelling is a healing process.A great storyteller can reverse all the scars that Life has scratched upon you and ease the hurtful ones.It won’t be the same again but it gives one courage to go on,to face the truth.Storytellers should be given more credit for their contribution to mankind. The movie reeks of loss and the grittiness of love once gained,and love once lost.There is no youth without the gnawing sensation of regrets,no youth is ever cultivated by all things happy.Youth is steeped in the wells of tears,built by the walls of fear and regrets and leaves behind a residue of forgotten happiness.Tell me,do you remember what it was like,to be that young?

You’re the Apple of my eye evokes so much damn emotions in you throughout the course of the movie.It makes you laugh and cry-and it really IS POSSIBLE to be laughing through the tears.You actually feel the characters because they are real-they are so relatable and you can see yourself in them.You probably find the lost self swarming about in the souls of the characters in the film.The film ends,with the lovers not being together(spoiler alert),but Ko reconciles that harsh blatant truth with a tinge of humour and a parallel universe,emphasized by the fact that no matter where they are,they’re still under the same moon,under the same stars and she’ll always be in his heart.When he said that he will continue to be childish,there is a note of finality in there-the fact that he will always love her,but perhaps.Just perhaps,he will tuck her into the tethers of his youth and go on.He will continue to be the way he is and she will be with the one who can give her a stable life;all the stability and reassurance in the world. After all,what is youth without regrets?There will always be flaws in one’s memory-you can’t attain absolute perfection because once everything goes your way,there’s no more sense of painful nostalgic.There is something romantic about pain-that pain eases over time and memory beautifies it.Humans have the most irksome habit of reminiscing all the freaking time and don’t you realize that each time you think back,the memories are a little altered,a little thwarted and they appear more mystical,more romantic and more fantasical than they actually was.It’s a human trait to want to present the past as being better than the present,and it’s a human fallibility to overomanticize things.Well,this is what I call streetsmart history.History can be reshaped,remolded according to one’s whims for it tends to the wounds of the present and it’s through reshaping that gives us the vivre to go on again.That’s probably the message I got from the film.

For all the movie’s worth,it’s a beautiful piece of art.Beautiful cinematography is being displayed in the film.Beautiful angles,lovely shots of a highway being spilt into two,with the transportation system going in different directions almost as though it’s signifying the different trajectories of the lives of the two main characters.The film is shot in a mosaic of washed out blues and whites accompanied by tinges of yellow,which shows Ko’s character recollecting his lost golden days.Closeups of the characters reveal the intimacy of the story and draws the audience into them.Cuts of beautiful stills were entwined together to bring back the idea of nostalgia and the movie is weaved together into a beautiful clover of memories,based on one boy’s youth.To sum it up,this movie is a paean to the wonders of youth.I shall stop here don’t wanna turn this into a film essay.This is what taking a film module does to you-it allows you to have a sharper eye and you realize the deeper significance of things.Nothing is coincidental in films and that’s why I appreciate this film even more.This is a movie that I guess everyone should watch once in their lifetime.

Finally,this movie seems to have a whisper of my own bits of memories in it.What’s long passed is already passed and there’s no point in pondering over them anymore-but one can always turn back to them to remind yourself of who you actually were in the past.Of course, as you trudge along the rocky and turbulent winding paths of life,it’s hard to reflect on who you actually are.Don’t forget the truest you,don’t forget who you once were because trust me,if you ever lose your original sense of self,that wrenching slab of pain will always be there to stay.It will hurt.I’m regaining the notion of who I once were as I’m starting to slow my pace and have a momentary reprieve and it’s getting good.Lost memories,unfulfilled dreams and sore regrets-we all have them.I can never be that girl sitting at the benches laughing over all things good under the sky,waiting for occasional animals to appear and laugh and gush and blush again.Even if I’m donned in uniform and am in the same place and the whole scene is reenacted once more,that feeling won’t be the same.I’m a little older,and perhaps a little wiser and …you can’t go back to who you once were.One cannot recapture the first fine careless rapture and nothing.Absolutely nothing ever happens the same way twice.So right now all I have are slipping memories to hold on to.When life becomes too hard to bear again,just remember-even if memories are no longer the same,there’s always the capacity to remold it into your very own.Our ability to alter things are probably the reason why we’re still alive today.We’re a mirage of our own experiences and no one can ever take that away from us.

Amazing what a single movie can do to you.Stop what you are doing,have a mug of hot tea,play some music and just be.

将头发梳成大人模样 穿上一身帅气西装 ,等会儿见你一定比想像美 …

For we will never be younger than this very moment again.

那天晚上满天星星 平行时空下的约定,再一次相遇我会紧紧抱著你 .

.

Hittin the highway and we’re hella fine.

It’s nearing the end of October and I’ve survived around 10 weeks of University. The semester’s coming to an end, approximately 3 more weeks before reading week  and my exams and then I’ll be done with my first semester in University. The alacrity of time baffles me and yet scares me so much because time is slipping away fast.The conscious volition of what I’ve been doing so far in the last few months make me feel as though Life’s worth it.Life’s worth all the pain, all the struggle, all the stress because we all will reap what we sow in the end.We’re all unpolished diamonds in the gutter(or so we think), but we actually belong to the skies.So in order to go back to where we come from, we need to start everything from scratch,even if that means falling and falling and falling all over again.Anyway,these few weeks have seen me rushing and rushing and rushing alot of deadlines.I don’t know what exactly is wrong with my choice of modules,but everything comes together.I’ve gone through a week where I had 3 papers to write and with a presentation to prepare for and boy that was horrible but look at where I am now.This shows that tough times don’t last but tough people do.I’m not sure whether I would qualify for the term “tough” right now because as usual I break down ever so easily,as though I’m made of some flimsy paper instead of the sturdiness that encompasses some of my friends.I cry over a B can you believe it?However right now I’ve learnt to let loose and just cut myself some slack and just do whatever I can.I’m still so excited about the modules that are to come and everyday I’m one step closer to my dreams.If University has reaffirmed anything,it has to be the fact that History and I are meant to be.I can’t see Life without History,everything has implications of the past and as human beings, we’re often dragged back to the past whether we like it or not.One can argue that History belongs to the past and hence is “useless” and “of no relevance” but before you can complete that whole sentence I would beg to differ.History is as real here and now as it was eons ago.We live and breathe History because it molded us into the beings we are today.He who does not know his history would lose the capacity to foresee the future and to appreciate the presence for without a sentimentality about one’s past, according to sociology, we’re no better than animals.Animals are after all rather similar to humans but what sets us apart from them is the human’s ability to reflect and think about the past.Humans are circumscribed to our environment and we act upon it-we’re steeped with guile and sloth and embody the 7 deadly sins.So how can there be the present if there isn’t any past?What makes History even more prevalent today is precisely due to the fact that capricious and contentious humans NEVER learn from History,and so we’re trapped in the neverending wheel of regrets,guilt and sorrow.I can go on and on about the importance of History but I’m not sure how much time the reader has reading this,but anyway.I love the subject and I’m content with studying it for the rest of my life.

Recently I’ve been studying about wars and wars and wars.All the brutality of mankind would come back and haunt us someday.We will fight WWIII with sticks and bones because every breath we take is a step towards self-destruction and everything has an end.I love everything I do now.Grades are not reflective of the passion at times,and I won’t get discouraged and get undeterred by it.I’ll try to be as strong as I can and so will you.<3

It dawned upon me that within a span of 1.5 months I’ve been to 4 different museums and that’s a record. My last visit to a museum was last Saturday when I went to view the Terracotta Exhibition and boy was that fascinating.Excluding my fascination with China,everything was wonderful and eye-opening.Of course some of the actual exhibits were too fragile and remained in China,resulting in my viewing of the replica instead.Even though it’s not authentic,I’m glad I actually had the chance to look at them and appreciate them.I’ve always been enthralled by the Terracotta soldiers and they are the brooding silent witnesses to a dynastic era that howled with so much glory and yet so much bloodshed and cruelty. Those soldiers that I saw were the same soldiers that were built 2500plus years ago.They serve as a form of mockery to the whole of mankind.The fact that non living and material objects last SO MUCH LONGER than actual humans themselves.These objects are similar to the sun and stars that have never ceased to grace the day and night skies.We’re all relative to time.Time is the master of us all and as much as humans like to think that they are invincible and infinite,History tells us grimly that that’s not the case.We are made of flesh and blood and have our own time in this world.Permanency is never granted to us at all and this got me thinking.How long has it been since I last paused and take a momentary look at the world?I found my respite near the Singapore River where I just emptied my mind and just stared blankly at the swashing of the currents and the epheremal stretch of blue sky.The cool breeze kisses rather than sting and maybe that’s all the comfort I need.I’ve been too tense these days and maybe I’m turning into a hypochondraic soon, but suddenly it struck upon me that I DON’T WANT TO DIE YET.Okay morbid thought BUT I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE THIS WORLD yet.There’s STILL SO MUCH TO SEE,SO MUCH TO DO,SO MUCH TO EXPERIENCE AND SO MUCH TO DISCOVER and the greatest gift of all is to be alive;Because only when you are alive then are you powerful enough to change your life and to change the lives of others.Only when you are alive can you accomplish great things.There’s so much things to do and death’s never a solution,never a way out in this world.The earth is round-there are no edges,no corners and so there will ALWAYS BE A WAY OUT.So stop furrowing your brows,stop drowning in self pity because self pity is a one way ticket to self doom and there’s no turning back.I will not dissipate in sorrow or regrets any longer.Even though I really miss some things in the past,but they remain in the past.Those experiences that I had encountered will always be an integral part of me and will always be a part of my own History,but going back to the past too much disables people.It saps them of their strength to go on and decapitates them.We’re the maestros of our own life and so maybe it is time for us to actually acknowledge it.After all,there are both sides to the coin and thousands of possibilities await.

For now,it’s gonna be an unsettling and twisty ride on the fast lane so hold on tight.I assure you that it’s all gonna be alright in the end.As much as I bet you’ve heard that phrase,it really is gonna be okay.As long as we abide by the laws of karma and do our very best in everything,God (whatever your faith is)will see us through.Just keep believing. A hug to everyone out there.

I’ll visit you soon,but I can’t promise that life doesn’t come in the way.You will always be a distilled form of me and thank you for the memories.

Never been better.

Hi yall, it’s September and we’re approaching near the end of 2011.It’s abit too early now but I can’t seem to get over the fact that time is so elusive and the way I see things, each time I try to hold onto the gist of things, it is but wisps of thin air and we think we have it when we actually don’t .Everything in this world is defined by one’s mindset.It’s cliche to see things like a glass of water-half full or half empty and I may seem like I’m preaching now, but actually  I think I’ve grown enough to believe that cliches are cliches because they actually bear some kind of truth that resonates deep within you. We always find it in ourselves to defy the more common logic due to the impending belief of being cynics and jaded due to tinctures of experience but right now,I’m at this point of my life when I don’t really see things with rose tinted glasses,but I’m past the point of being all sorts of emotional and weary.If there’s one thing University has taught me, it’s that you don’t really need anybody but yourself-cliche, but true.It’s really true.I used to be one who dreads loneliness ALOT but right now I’m fine with independence.I’m fine with being by myself-not lonely, but alone.I’ve learnt to do more things Myself and with that,I’ve learnt alot. It’s like one will never understand the elasticity of one’s spirit until something gutteral happens to you and you think you might break, but nah there’s actually nothing that you can’t overcome as long as you set your mind to it. If there’s one thing that God has blessed us with, it’s the tenacity of the human spirit and the strength to always go on.

Anyway, life’s been treating me good.Sure there are times when I do feel like punching it in the face and graveling in self pity due to the moroseness of things and it can be quite banal sometimes but oh well.This is how my cards have been dealt isn’t it so we can only milk the best out of it.I’m not really liking University-I still deem JC as being the best 2 years of my schooling life but right now I feel inspired.By University. I may not feel happy all the time due to the mountainous amount of work and stuff to do, but right now I feel happy-I feel motivated to study,like study because I like it.I love all the modules I’m taking-well one or two modules are really frustrating and the workload is demanding and can be quite dry,but I still like it.I guess I’m not complaining that much because I really Like it. I chose them myself and so there’s no room for regrets right? Even if there is well I shall shoulder it because I CHOSE it. Thus I like this feeling of actually being in control of things. I guess this is part of growing up too-you make decisions and you stick with it, through thick and thin and you see the job through. University has also awaken this fiery passion in me-for History,particularly Chinese History.For as long as I remember, the love for History has always been embedded in me since secondary school but I kind of lost that passion in JC due to the restrictive nature of that subject in the syllabus but right now,I’m rediscovering it all over again.It’s like an epiphany for I really cannot comprehend myself-I just feel so happy doing that subject.I’m so excited for all of that-the workload,the burgeoning amount of stress and pressure of rushing papers and ….I do dread doing essays and research,but all that pales in comparison to the bigger picture.I LOVE what I’m doing and I guess that’s all that matters.Most people think that the career of a History graduate can only be restricted to the confinements of teaching -I’m not leaving that out I really want a government job(the pragmatic side of me) but I guess-even it’s a 9-5 job I’ll be doing History and so,I think I’ll be happy.I really like what I’m doing now and I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.Mapping out the courses I wanna take for the next 3 years and thinking of plans…It’s all too far fetched but I’m ready to add the pursue of a higher education in my list for History.I don’t mind doing Masters and maybe even doing a Phd if I’m capable enough because I love it so fking much. Chinese History is calling out to me and that love for it seems to be seeping through my veins-Never in my life have I felt such an immense feeling in all of its entirety before. I know it’s gonna be hellishly tough, but heck, Take one step at a time and I’ll see it through. What makes me even more ecstatic is that the History professors in the department at school are a bunch of super enthusiastic people and their love for the subject is so damn infectious and so enticing that their vibe just rubs off you I’m sure Sprinkledreams would feel the same way. You can’t live without passion in life and all these feels so Narnia like and yet so rich and so grounded and so..real.. I don’t know what will happen or whether I will falter(I’m pretty sure I still have a love hate relationship with History but Oh well<3)

So much to do, so much to feel and I’m at a stage where not much things matter anymore. I’m aware that I’m different from most people my age,but heck I’ll do whatever I want.Be it in terms of eccentricity or whatever,I’m just given one life and for the rest of this life, I promise myself to do things that will make me ONLY HAPPY and boo to all those melancholy and whatever that gets one down..It’s okay if I end up like a vintage person or a “lao gu dong” as long as I’m happy and if this world cannot accept me,well I won’t embrace it either.I’m just meant for another entity that’s all.Positive thinking-Haven’t felt this positive in the longest while and the inner peace embroiled deep down will be here to stay.

We all become our own strangers.

I have nothing else to say.No one can understand how I feel right now.I feel like I’m an immense failure at everything.

There’s no use trying to be someone that I’m not.The question is,I don’t even know myself anymore.All I know is,I don’t like the Me that I have become,to the extent to which I would kill her if I had met the me today.I hate this.I always think that things would get better,but they keep getting worse and I don’t know how much I can take.Getting my hopes all raised up only to have them plummeting to the ground in the next breath is not an easy task.I’m no longer in  world where people love rainbows and unicorns and candy floss and sweet honey.Santas don’t exist,tooth fairies don’t give you pennies and people are not always as nice and harmless.Love is a game that people play and I don’t think I’m ready for words that slip off the tongue so easily and promises that span a few months.Words can hurt,and silence can slaughter the very brightest of hopes.You told me you have faith in me and  I thank you for always believing in me,but I’m not sure how long I can stand myself.There’s no use confiding in others because they will definitely say they understand-the point is that people handle things differently and I’m all sorts of vulnerable.I try-I really do try-it’s my nature and I do try-but I fail.All the fucking time.I don’t know what to do anymore.If you’ve read this post,don’t try to talk to me about it because even if you do ask me about it,I won’t be able to give you the best of answers, and I believe you won’t be able to allay and ease it for me.What happens when the worst enemy is nobody else but someone deep down inside,one that you know has leeched on you so tightly and your every breath is laced with a similar whisper-but you can’t do anything.It’s like film,it only works in the dark-you tear it out and allow the sunlight to stream in and so you kill it.Whatever’s that working inside  me-I need to face it but I cannot for by facing it,it kills a part of me and I’m not sure whether this is less than what is already my limit.You think it’s easy don’t you.I’m not going to tell you to try being me or tell you to try harder because I do understand your pain and I do feel you.I just wish.things would get better.I need things to be better-but maybe better is not what I need.I just need my heart to continue beating for me.Suck it up and move on.All these is practice.Lots of practice;but it will never relieve the hurt.There will always be a scar and behind the scar ….stories of what’s past,what that cannot be relived,but what that will always remain and haunt me till my dying breath.

and you said you know me?Call me and tell me about it.Maybe I can remember the girl;

or maybe....not.

Balance.

Worrying too much doesn’t really make things better,instead they make things worse.I have been reading books on philosophy lately and those teachings have been enriching.Love days when I can just plug in music and hide away from the rigours of reality.I’m afraid such idyllic days will not last because August is coming stealthily and along with it comes many other challenges.My friends have been busy going off for camps and stuff and I being a wuss hate going for camps and am thus denying myself the chance to make new friends and stuff-but maybe it’s because I’m not prepared yet.I’m not ready I hope in August I’ll be ready and everything will just come to me as long as I work for it.Been dreaming alot too and I wonder whether there is but a thin line between dreams and reality.Spent the whole of last week being ill-heart palpitations due to anxiety;had been given stress relief pills but I have not taken them for fear of being overreliant on them.That was a wake up call for I’ve been worrying too much for my own good.Worrying about things beyond my control,about interpersonal stuff and results and etcetera and the whole damn list will go on and on until it reaches a point where I’m beyond help.So I’m trying to help myself now or else I’ll just go mental.I think you guys won’t even know what I’m talking about because I’m the only one who can allay my own fears right now and ..others may think I’m just a hardcore nutcase.I’m terribly scared of being left alone and left out,but maybe I should learn to accept that sometimes,being alone is not a bad thing after all.

I’m really scared/appprehensive for school to start,but deep down there’s a bud of excitement too,about the learning and having fun and all that and the time allocated for my own freedom and stuff like that.I’m no good at masking myself,but I’m sure on the way to masking them.

On a lighter note,my love for Kim Hyun Joong is being resurrected again and there goes my money.OKAY.KPOP IS DRAINING ME OUT,BUT I’M HAPPY.Gonna save up for 5jib and more now.I wonder how long I can thrive on kpop derived adrenaline because the high highs are complemented by the low lows and what goes up must come down.I’m happy now,even though there are many things weighing me down,but who knows how long this happiness can last?Too much happiness is not a good thing and too much sadness just becomes overwhelming and eradicates the whole point of it.That sadness is in itself an art of being beautiful.

I’m so sorry but I love you.

I’m so sorry but I love you~

Love this song.Anyway,it’s June.Well,hello June.Smiley,summery June.Anyway,I CANT FKING ACCESS TWITTER I’M GONNA CRY.WHERE IS MY LIFE I CAN’T GET ON TWITTER I CAN’T SEE THE WEBPAGE I CAN’T TWEET I CAN’T SEE FANSITES I CAN’T SEE DONGHAE’S PAGE I CAN’T SEE ANY OF THEM.I’M GONNA CRY.

It’s less than 2 months before University will start-notice how much my life revolves around University now.Hah and I’ve been reading quite a few good books lately and watching nice movies.I’m intending to rewatch Titanic for gawd knows the upteenth time already and I don’t think I will ever get sick of that.Just saying.I wish I can write like Oscar Wilde.He pens stuff beautifully and I adore him whimsical,albeit descriptive way of writing.

“Men marry because they are tired;women,because they are curious,both get disappointed”

He’s a sheer genius.Sadly most geniuses don’t belong to this world.They are too good for the world and hence the world chooses to crush them,using their unruly means.I love reading books that leaves thoughts that linger long after the novel had been shoved back to the shelf and left to collect dust.Strings of thoughts strung together in paperbacks and hard covers entice me-They call out to me and thrust me into a world brimming with technicolor,yet resound with a residue of loss and grit-the pain of an author,the sweat and blood etched in every ounce of a word….

And so I shall leave you all with this.I’ve been wondering what I should do with my life for quite sometime and I think that is the ever quintessential question that holds no answers.Wherever that compass in me takes me to,we shall come to it when we come to it.

“We never get back our youth.The pulse of joy that beats in us at twenty,becomes slugglish.Our limbs fail,our senses not.We degenerate into hideous puppets,haunted by the memory of the passions of which we were much too afraid,and the exquisite temptations that we had not the courage to yield to.Youth!Youth! There is absolutely nothing in this world but youth!”

And the high highs are complemented by the low lows.

Hi ya.I’m just wondering-How many of you guys actually come to this space frequently now?This is increasingly becoming a desolate space and I occasionally pop in,leave a random thought or two and then leave as though I’v never immersed much thought in it.Isn’t this the way life is?Blogging on several sites are almost reflective of how Life comes and goes and how people come and leave and there is no need for any explanation and no need for sentimental goodbyes or anything.For life’s too short and all of us must hurry on our ways.

Anyway,it’s nearing the end of May now and it’s almost June.Where did the first half of 2011 go to eh?It seems to blur by so quickly and whatever I did pales due to the washing of time and is deemed unsignificant.I’m glad that I have a place to go in August but right now,I’m not that excited.I’m not.I truly am not.I fear everything.I’m afraid of everything.I know everyone has this fear in them,but what separates me from them is that I am stupid enough to let this fear stifle me,let this fear engulf me alive and the slimy residue of regrets and what ifs has left a scar of gnawing pain.I’m happy,but I’m not truly happy.I don’t know what can make me that happy.I’m a living contradiction,ya know.There are too many Is in this post and I’m starting to ramble on,and my train of thoughts are swerving beyond my control.It’s a wild ride,a lonely ride,a ride that I know I have to drive through alone.I’m a reckless driver.Maybe,it was a wrong move to turn the ignition in the key-I’m not brave enough to grow my own wings yet and take charge of the steering wheel.Growing pains.All of us have them,but why do I let them affect me the most?Each time I talk to people,I cannot help but feel that I’m still extremely alone.

We’re always relative to time and we’re always tied down by the chains that we’ve created for ourselves.The one enemy is the human mind and right now,I can’t trust anyone,not even myself.I’m losing myself or have I already LOST myself.There’s only so far one can run before reality catches up with us and there’s still so many things I wanna do,so many stuff I wanna learn and see.University camps?I HATE CAMPS.BUT.I WANNA GO FOR THEM,BUT.All these buts.Can someone just make a decision for me.My worries are nothing but a grain of sand tossed into the dull earth and is nothing compared to all the big issues like hunger,poverty,strife and death.I should count my blessings but.

I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore.What exactly do I want?I’m afraid you won’t be able to help me,for I can’t even help myself.I don’t even know myself.

We were creatures of the here and now and will always be.

and then we all move on like paper boats being endlessly swept by the currents.

Life’s okay,I’m doing fine and things are going my way-well most of them anyway.It’s been a long time since I’m really here and as the years go by,I realize that my capacity to deal with sentimental things is dwindling.Like I’m trying to appreciate life and all it’s small,beautiful aspects and in the end ,I fail because I’m so caught up with the harsh realities and harsh truths and deep down,I don’t do sentimental well at all.As the last of my friends check in for national service and the rest go on with their own jobs or whatever life has installed for them,I can’t help but feel like this is it.You know we’re at our own crossroads now and we’re being forced to choose what we want in life,or at least towards which direction we should go,at least for the next few years.I don’t think I’m ready to chart my life,but I know I’m willing to take a leap of faith and give it a try.After all,the world is round and hence,there would be no deads and everything has a way out.At least,that is what I’m trying to tell myself every single day.Lately,I have trouble sleeping at night.In the day there’s so many things to do,so many stuff to gush and laugh and busy yourself with that the mind is occupied and hence does not drift off and ponder over heartbreaking and unnecessary things.Things that would make fear and worry resound in the head,like a bellowing echo that just would not stop,with every strum louder than the one before.At night,as I try to sleep,listening to the hum of the dying traffic and bustling of insects all fully alive,I start to think.Alot.Late night thinking is not good for me,not at all,for that’s when I’m at my most pessimistic point and that’s when all the fears lurking in the darkness start to steathily creep out and destroy the peace which I’ve so carefully cultivated in the day.It’s not like I’m too free or anything because I think alot too,even when I had an office job.So…I think too much for my own good.Tomorrow’s the day for elections and I try to be less apathetic than I already am;but sadly,to not much avail because really.I don’t know why,maybe we’re living in a country too blessed,but I hope 5 years from now I would be able to actively take part in it and be proud of my nation’s pride.August is a month brimming with new beginnings,new chances,new stuff to learn,new friends to make,new ……change is necessary in order for my own life to continue.The sad thing is,we’re living in a world where even the best of goodbyes contain the seed of bitterness and I’m not sure whether things will always change for the better.Because I know,I might not think the same way again.It’s impossible to recapture the first fine careless rapture and so it is impossible to capture that extract of the youth I once had.

And as the story goes,all these shall go down in writing and I’m keeping this for memory’s sake.