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Archive for May, 2011

Hi ya.I’m just wondering-How many of you guys actually come to this space frequently now?This is increasingly becoming a desolate space and I occasionally pop in,leave a random thought or two and then leave as though I’v never immersed much thought in it.Isn’t this the way life is?Blogging on several sites are almost reflective of how Life comes and goes and how people come and leave and there is no need for any explanation and no need for sentimental goodbyes or anything.For life’s too short and all of us must hurry on our ways.

Anyway,it’s nearing the end of May now and it’s almost June.Where did the first half of 2011 go to eh?It seems to blur by so quickly and whatever I did pales due to the washing of time and is deemed unsignificant.I’m glad that I have a place to go in August but right now,I’m not that excited.I’m not.I truly am not.I fear everything.I’m afraid of everything.I know everyone has this fear in them,but what separates me from them is that I am stupid enough to let this fear stifle me,let this fear engulf me alive and the slimy residue of regrets and what ifs has left a scar of gnawing pain.I’m happy,but I’m not truly happy.I don’t know what can make me that happy.I’m a living contradiction,ya know.There are too many Is in this post and I’m starting to ramble on,and my train of thoughts are swerving beyond my control.It’s a wild ride,a lonely ride,a ride that I know I have to drive through alone.I’m a reckless driver.Maybe,it was a wrong move to turn the ignition in the key-I’m not brave enough to grow my own wings yet and take charge of the steering wheel.Growing pains.All of us have them,but why do I let them affect me the most?Each time I talk to people,I cannot help but feel that I’m still extremely alone.

We’re always relative to time and we’re always tied down by the chains that we’ve created for ourselves.The one enemy is the human mind and right now,I can’t trust anyone,not even myself.I’m losing myself or have I already LOST myself.There’s only so far one can run before reality catches up with us and there’s still so many things I wanna do,so many stuff I wanna learn and see.University camps?I HATE CAMPS.BUT.I WANNA GO FOR THEM,BUT.All these buts.Can someone just make a decision for me.My worries are nothing but a grain of sand tossed into the dull earth and is nothing compared to all the big issues like hunger,poverty,strife and death.I should count my blessings but.

I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore.What exactly do I want?I’m afraid you won’t be able to help me,for I can’t even help myself.I don’t even know myself.

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and then we all move on like paper boats being endlessly swept by the currents.

Life’s okay,I’m doing fine and things are going my way-well most of them anyway.It’s been a long time since I’m really here and as the years go by,I realize that my capacity to deal with sentimental things is dwindling.Like I’m trying to appreciate life and all it’s small,beautiful aspects and in the end ,I fail because I’m so caught up with the harsh realities and harsh truths and deep down,I don’t do sentimental well at all.As the last of my friends check in for national service and the rest go on with their own jobs or whatever life has installed for them,I can’t help but feel like this is it.You know we’re at our own crossroads now and we’re being forced to choose what we want in life,or at least towards which direction we should go,at least for the next few years.I don’t think I’m ready to chart my life,but I know I’m willing to take a leap of faith and give it a try.After all,the world is round and hence,there would be no deads and everything has a way out.At least,that is what I’m trying to tell myself every single day.Lately,I have trouble sleeping at night.In the day there’s so many things to do,so many stuff to gush and laugh and busy yourself with that the mind is occupied and hence does not drift off and ponder over heartbreaking and unnecessary things.Things that would make fear and worry resound in the head,like a bellowing echo that just would not stop,with every strum louder than the one before.At night,as I try to sleep,listening to the hum of the dying traffic and bustling of insects all fully alive,I start to think.Alot.Late night thinking is not good for me,not at all,for that’s when I’m at my most pessimistic point and that’s when all the fears lurking in the darkness start to steathily creep out and destroy the peace which I’ve so carefully cultivated in the day.It’s not like I’m too free or anything because I think alot too,even when I had an office job.So…I think too much for my own good.Tomorrow’s the day for elections and I try to be less apathetic than I already am;but sadly,to not much avail because really.I don’t know why,maybe we’re living in a country too blessed,but I hope 5 years from now I would be able to actively take part in it and be proud of my nation’s pride.August is a month brimming with new beginnings,new chances,new stuff to learn,new friends to make,new ……change is necessary in order for my own life to continue.The sad thing is,we’re living in a world where even the best of goodbyes contain the seed of bitterness and I’m not sure whether things will always change for the better.Because I know,I might not think the same way again.It’s impossible to recapture the first fine careless rapture and so it is impossible to capture that extract of the youth I once had.

And as the story goes,all these shall go down in writing and I’m keeping this for memory’s sake.

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