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Archive for August, 2011

I have nothing else to say.No one can understand how I feel right now.I feel like I’m an immense failure at everything.

There’s no use trying to be someone that I’m not.The question is,I don’t even know myself anymore.All I know is,I don’t like the Me that I have become,to the extent to which I would kill her if I had met the me today.I hate this.I always think that things would get better,but they keep getting worse and I don’t know how much I can take.Getting my hopes all raised up only to have them plummeting to the ground in the next breath is not an easy task.I’m no longer in  world where people love rainbows and unicorns and candy floss and sweet honey.Santas don’t exist,tooth fairies don’t give you pennies and people are not always as nice and harmless.Love is a game that people play and I don’t think I’m ready for words that slip off the tongue so easily and promises that span a few months.Words can hurt,and silence can slaughter the very brightest of hopes.You told me you have faith in me and  I thank you for always believing in me,but I’m not sure how long I can stand myself.There’s no use confiding in others because they will definitely say they understand-the point is that people handle things differently and I’m all sorts of vulnerable.I try-I really do try-it’s my nature and I do try-but I fail.All the fucking time.I don’t know what to do anymore.If you’ve read this post,don’t try to talk to me about it because even if you do ask me about it,I won’t be able to give you the best of answers, and I believe you won’t be able to allay and ease it for me.What happens when the worst enemy is nobody else but someone deep down inside,one that you know has leeched on you so tightly and your every breath is laced with a similar whisper-but you can’t do anything.It’s like film,it only works in the dark-you tear it out and allow the sunlight to stream in and so you kill it.Whatever’s that working inside  me-I need to face it but I cannot for by facing it,it kills a part of me and I’m not sure whether this is less than what is already my limit.You think it’s easy don’t you.I’m not going to tell you to try being me or tell you to try harder because I do understand your pain and I do feel you.I just wish.things would get better.I need things to be better-but maybe better is not what I need.I just need my heart to continue beating for me.Suck it up and move on.All these is practice.Lots of practice;but it will never relieve the hurt.There will always be a scar and behind the scar ….stories of what’s past,what that cannot be relived,but what that will always remain and haunt me till my dying breath.

and you said you know me?Call me and tell me about it.Maybe I can remember the girl;

or maybe....not.

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