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Archive for October, 2012

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So you find yourself moving on, even though it seemed to be totally unjustified to do so. It is a primitive sensibility to live in the Now, and so in the Now we shall live. 

You will be dealt blows in life and for me, one will remain unspoken because enough time had passed for me to realize that when you are teetering towards the brink of no man’s land, when words alone are enough to slice one’s heart open, when a person chooses to be intentionally hardened and when there can be no way around this  quagmire, its best to do the leaving before you’re left behind. I’m beginning to subscribe to the maxim “you gain some, you lose some” and within a span of a few weeks, what I’ve gained is probably more than what I have lost-new friends who never fail to place a smile on my face because of our sheer nonsense, old friends who I’ve regained due to the steering of fate and new faces whom I’m glad to have known,despite thriving on limited and perhaps, borrowed time. You and you and you will always be my best takeaway this semester. I guess this will always be a cyclical pattern, we meet new people and the old ones who are truly gold will stay.It is selfish to prevent people from pursuing their dreams, it is selfish to insist on them being the same because amidst the what seems stationary outlook of our lives, we are changing, every single second. Every second spent lamenting, every second spent breathing is already a second gone and we will never be whoever we were in the seconds minutes hours days years that have since lapsed. Photostitching all the snippets from my memory’s lens and realizing that they never remain the way I remember only compounds the gravity of time itself. Impermanence is always the sole unspoken rule in everything and I really don’t know how to reconcile myself to that. Then I shrug myself off this limbo of a phase and get my act together again. Such fleeting moments of acute frailty astounds and engulfs me, and then leave as suddenly as they come. I believe everyone have their fair share of such moments and the truth is, no matter how alone we are, everyone have their own fight and their own struggles.  I should stop wearing my heart out on a sleeve and perhaps, lacquer myself with a thin layer of aloofness and disaffection. No one needs to know your worries, no one needs to know about your anxieties, at the end of the day, alone or not, you’ve got a walk ahead. But the last thing I want to end up being is someone who is absolutely tired of the world, someone so thoroughly disillusioned and only trying to get by. The Last thing I want to end up doing is to get by with the world. I don’t want to just survive, I want to flourish and thrive and find myself-no matter how romanticized this ideal has been.

Dealing with the death of a friend was heartbreaking and it rendered me incapable of doing anything else but weep and lament and grieve over a life that had been curtailed way before its time. I cannot it was the first time I ever experience it and boy did it hurt. Real bad. I don’t know what else to say,I don’t know what IS THERE to say because there were no goodbyes, no nothing there wasn’t any formal closure to anything at all, but I don’t know I find myself bungling through the the last few days where nothing seemed real and nothing seemed right, but How can it not be real? I’m still living I’m still breathing I’m still talking I’m still smiling no matter how forced these reflexes and reactions were. When my emotions took a sharp dive towards the bottom, that was when the healing process began. I started to ponder more and came to a conclusion that I WOULD never know what the big guy up there or any of the divine powers have install for us and the more I thought, the more I realize that I must stop acting this way. It’s time to live in the now, because we are never ever guaranteed the next few hours, or any other time but the present moment. That is only..what we have. Our lives are hanging precariously on the loose thread which separates life and death and you won’t know when the scale tips and we…fall or rise. 

That said, life is just a series of moving on and no more acting like tomorrow would be guaranteed, no more acting like having your loved ones by your side is a right, because it really is a blessing. No more letting time get the better of me and no more wasting time and energy on immutables. So when we are forced to make tough choices, in order to move on, we either take this memory of what we used to have with us and go on OR just blatantly, willingly and helplessly lose our grip on reality. The latter will be a realm of no return, and would serve no good in the end. So, which would you choose? Faith or forgetfulness? I’ll choose the former. It just takes alot of getting used to though, but at the end of the day, we still have a life ahead. We still have to breathe. No one teaches the human body how to breathe, unless… time’s up. I don’t want to spend the rest of my seconds thinking when I would die, so faith is the best option. 

Notice I try to clean this up nicely.Even though I’ve sorted out my thinking,my heart is still a mess.I’m still a mess deep down, but I know I’ll get better, when enough time has passed. I still miss you, friend I still really do there is not a day that had yet to go by wishing that you’ll reply to my messages, like how it should be. There is not a day that goes by without me thinking how the drudgery of life leaves me sallow and sullen but I still go on. So Till then, we have to keep going, keep pushing and keep striving. How else do we do justice to those who never had the chance to live it out? Thinking we’re invincible has got to be the greatest folly of mankind.

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And right now at this moment I’ve given you all that I’m capable of.

Life’s a whirlpool, a fusion of little joys, whammies and other miscellaneous spurts of emotions driven by hormones. It’s a platitude to say that the last two months flew by but summer’s long gone and we’ve all awoke from the September slumber. Tighten your grip on the steering wheel because we’re hitting the highway now and it’s less than 100 days before we embrace yet again a new year. I’ve always felt skeptical towards the idea of “new”, but right now I’m more than willing to accept it. The only constant is change and if you can’t fight them, join them! The more I mull over it, the more the gloaming sky brings about comfort and solace, and I’ve recently found someone who shared the same appreciation of the moon and the stars with me. It’s a matter of probability I know, but I’m glad. Nothing more to ask for because whatever that happens is reason and logical enough. To take charge, but to let go when necessary and step on the pedal when the situation calls for it. Life cannot be assessed via the rearview mirror all the time and History never repeats itself. Historians construe the past as something which is imbued into reality, but more often than not, an event may occur on a similar scale, but it doesn’t unfold the same way. I cannot think of any adjective other than “glad” now and its been a long time since I’ve become at ease with the Universe. After all, why bother yourself over things that are immutable? Let it go already.Look back and you’ll turn into a pillar of salt. The logic is simple. Pictures serve to strengthen memories, but before reality lets the ugly taint the memories you have, tuck them back into where they belong. We will always be humans who reminisce and capitalize on the past as being wondrous and everything-it will always appear as being more startlingly beautiful than the present and it is human fallacy to overly romanticize the past. Someday this very moment would be relegated into memory zone.Where would you and I be? Now that is the topic we should work on.

The rest of your diorama awaits.

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