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Archive for September, 2014

Facade.

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My life over the past few days. This sums up my life over the past few days.

Because I have no idea what I am supposed to say now, because I know that I am surrounded by love and I do have friends whom I can confide in and everything, nothing is gonna change the fact that I feel I am not in a good phase of my life now. Disappointment after disappointment, to have your hopes raised only to have them crash and burn again. Life makes a mockery out of everyone sometimes and its possible to be at the receiving end of whammies at the end of the day. It’s life and life doles out such stuff to everyone at different stages in their lives. I don’t know what to say, I feel like saying I’m okay but today my body and my emotions decided that it was time to put an end to the act and admit that I’ve not been fine and I have never been fine since I received the news. It’s a horrid reminder that I am back in reality,a jolt from a dream that I’ve been sleeping on for way too long. It makes me wonder whether all the things that I’ve been talking about, all the plans that I’ve been working towards are all contrived and it all unfolded only in my head, because the panorama of images that is on replay in my head is so vivid, so rich in colour and so real. But when you try to trace the contours of the images everything dissolves into thin air, like how sand slips away from your finger faster than you can hold on to them. The tighter you hold on to the tiny grainy bits, the more they slide past your fingers and back to wherever they came from. I feel upset, betrayed, denied and exhausted at the way things have panned out. I try to look at the silver linings and to be honest, I really DO SEE the silver linings and I acknowledge them and I embrace them, even. But that doesn’t change a damn thing about how I feel, whether I can calibrate back to the groove of school. I know I can, the flesh is willing, but this time, the spirit is weak. 

I am extremely worn out and I feel as though I’ve been beefing my schedules only because I no longer have the capacity to entertain what could have beens and what ifs. I sound like a spoilt brat here, but yes I am heartbroken. Each time I close my eyes I can only see it unfolding right before me–its so close that I can smell it, feel it and even touch it, but I can’t and that kills me more than anything else. I have no idea how I am supposed to convey this intensity of a feeling to the people around me, its the way you feel when you’ve expected and craved for something for so long, only to have it denied right before your eyes and you feel that the lights have all gone off. Yes, that’s how it feels. That is enough to kill. Life goes on anyway and being the girl that I am, of course I try to weigh the pros and the cons and rationalize everything, but I had so many plans unfulfilled and so many more dreams left to accomplish there and it is not in this city where I can do that. It’s sheer agony to plaster a smile to the face, and occupy myself with things and people and feels, and yet when I close my eyes at night its all a feeble attempt to return a semblance of life in this shell of a life that I have retreated into. They say that when a door closes, another opens. Yes I believe in it, I believe in miracles–my life IS a miracle I am aware of that, but I can’t let go. I can’t let go now, and this stubborn-ness is eating at me. I will be okay again, with time, but for the rest of my life, this will always be a regret. Perhaps somewhere in the future, I will look back and see the pieces all fall into place, but it won’t alter what I feel now, at this very moment. 

Sometimes love alone isn’t enough, sometimes what I have isn’t enough to replace what could have been. I can only persuade myself to make the best use of the time I have now, with the people around me, simply because tomorrow is never guaranteed. I know it all, I know what you’re gonna say if I broach this topic to you, but know that I already understand the matters that I need to, but acceptance is an exclusive issue and that only time can be my salve. Perhaps. We will see. Until then, I will do everything in my capacity to ensure that the hill of regrets doesn’t evolve into a mountain, and that somehow it will be for the better, if there’s really some greater plan installed. 

 

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