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Archive for June, 2017

Episodes of disjointed thoughts;

-All stories begin with an end-

A chapter in the life I have known for the past 1.5 years has come to a close, and I’m beginning a new chapter starting from July. I will be embarking on a two-year masters programme in public policy; whilst it has been a programme that I was eyeing ever since I was in my final year of my undergrad studies, deciding to take up the admissions offer was arguably the biggest decision I had made in the last ten years of my life. It was also a decision that took every fiber of bravery I had in me, and even till now, I am still filled with trepidation, and apprehension for what lies ahead. I know that the path ahead will not be easy, and I find myself wondering about what could have been. But life simply is too short for such regrets, and I do know that it was the correct decision– people have to make all sorts of sacrifices while chasing their dreams, and I have only learned it now. So I told myself, it’s ok to be scared; be scared, but do it anyway.

– Prices we pay-

Increasingly I am also of the opinion that there are no such theories as “wasted experiences”, because we take different things with us as we trudge along. With every decision we make, the ripples of water will never be the same again, and I believe that the heart, and the guts know what is right. A part of me keeps asking “what if”, and also wonders if I should have waited a little more; but somehow, events have transpired in a way that led me to believe that if I had waited a little more, I would have missed the boat; the rest of my life has yet to be lived, and if I were to turn back now, does this mean that my conviction had been worth little right from the start? I refuse to succumb, and give up; I can’t give up now; not when I’m so close. Sometimes I think my stubbornness will be the death of me, but perhaps we all need an obstinate streak every now and then, to remind us that youth is on our side. Furthermore, if we were to drill it down to the basics, most things in life have an opportunity cost, and when we decide on an option, the doors to others are automatically rendered unavailable. What’s more insidious is that many fail to notice the price for getting what we want, is getting what we once wanted. Human nature dictates that we shall never be satiated and we will always continue looking forward to the next journey in the horizon that looms ahead.

-Nostalgia and the lost years- 

I had dinner recently, with a very special friend from long ago, and as we sat along the Singapore River, we started reminiscing about times long gone. It was a beautiful night, with the gentle winds caressing our faces; there were people, but the crowd wasn’t rowdy. As we sat there, he suddenly mentioned something about the alignment of stars, and how there’s a right time for everything. I wanted to add that while the stars do align, the heart must also find it in itself to say that yes, it’s the right time to accept the love/the opportunities that came along. We laughed and said that the undergrad years felt like they had belonged to the memories of a different life, where we both had been younger, chirpier and our hearts were not yet, so gray and old. I will always remember that night, because for that few hours, I had my friend back. The glow of the night, and the stepped paths along the river formed the contours of a liminal space, a space where the years that came between us were non-existent. Then you snap back into reality and realised that time has once again robbed us of our guileless gaze.

-Seasons out of time-

Time has been a perennial, and yet ephemeral figure in my life for the past six months. Earlier this week, I had a conversation on time and seasons, and how there’s a time and tide for things, and for the issues that the human mind cannot comprehend, we leave it to the hand of fate, or to the big guy up there. I admit that I’ve always prided in the wonders of human agency, and that humans are ultimately the main actors of their lives. But increasingly I’ve come to realise the limitations of such fallacious thinking, and I’ve also started to pay more attention to the role of luck in life. Perhaps it is true, as what my love had told me, that luck will always be with those who are destined to succeed. I don’t think I will ever stop wondering otherwise, but perhaps it’s time for me to accept that there’s a reason why things happen, why we feel it’s important that this happened and not that; perhaps it’s even true to say that our own biological clock is able to finger the pulses of time and seasons more acutely than our constructed, rational minds can.

So once again, I’m left with more questions, and a lingering anticipation for what has yet to come. Be still my heart, and never cower, for difficulties and challenges also lead you closer to who you can be.

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